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stuff i lurnd

Today, I Lurnd How to Waste Time Online

Oct 27

Posted by Andy in Uncategorized | No Comments

I Like Walmart

I Like Walmart

Needless to say, this is probably the most useless blog ever written. As with my previous posts, I would advise you to stop reading right now. So you’re being stubborn, I see. Very well then. If you actually need help wasting time on the internet, I send you my condolences, since it is probably the easiest conceivable computer related task. Nonetheless, over the past few weeks I have become, not to toot my own horn or anything, very proficient at wasting valuable time on the internet. Valuable time, that is, which should be spent doing responsible things like studying, picking up a new hobby, or hanging out drinking with friends.

That being said, behold my list of several useless things you can do online when your looking for anything to do which is not homework.

Reading this blog.

Congratulations. You have already succeeded at finding at least one completely useless way to entertain yourself. You must have wasted a good minute just to get to this point. You are doing well my friend. With a bit more practice, you’ll be less efficient than a stoner with an X-box and a bag of donuts.

Reading other blogs, which are just as useless yet more entertaining than this one.

Indeed, there are other people out there who recognize that the internet is full of college kids, business men, and stoned high schoolers who would rather spend their time doing absolutely nothing than be forced to do productive work. These people made the following websites which help you successfully waste away your day:

  • http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/ – hundreds of pages of texts sent by drunk and/or hungover college students detailing the perils of an inebriated student life. Many of them are actually quite funny.

  • http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/ - The URL speaks for itself. Pictures of utterly hilarious creatures which can be found at all hours of the day frequenting various instances of wal-mart superstores. Lots of time wasting potential here.

  • http://failblog.org/- Some people try. Some people succeed. Other people fail. Its a fact of life. Over at failblog you can waste your evening away laughing at the numerous people who fail at various endeavours.

  • http://thereifixedit.com/- Waste your time here looking at images of people who did not exactly fail, but didn’t quite succeed either. ThereIFixedIt.com depicts hilarious ways people rig up quick fixes to solve their daily problems.

Typing random things into google and reading the funny suggestions

why do i

Really?

This one is only entertaining for a short period of time unless you happen to be a creative type. Nonetheless, this window into the minds of fellow googlers can provide hours of entertainment to someone with a long attention span and lots of weed. Check out a few cool ones I found:

  • “should I” yields “shave my pubic hair” and “get a divorce”

  • “I like” yields “to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur”

  • “how can I” yields “keep from singing”

  • “How can you” yields “get herpes”

  • “why do i” (seems to be a jackpot) yields “ndians smell” and “fart so much” and “have green poop” and “have so much discharge” and “have no friends”

Needless to say, this could go on for ever. Try it sometime!

Find random shit on youtube

Not only is youtube super awesome because it lets you find all sorts of random stuff, like Norwegian folk songs and good comedians, youtube also has a giant community of super bored internet people who leave dumb comments for other bored internet people, such as myself, to laugh at. Here’s a quick example of some intellectual gold, dropped upon us by none other than youtube’s ProClutch22, who says:

  • “alright yungdeezy whats that your hood name? don’t get pissed at me because of my spectacular ability to find flaws. go back to the crib and keep acting like a poser”

Clearly, this fourteen year old suburban white kid has a fancy for hip-hop and way too much time on his hands.

Find random shit on craigslist

When it comes to tossing time down the toilet, there is no resource as valuable as craigslist. I recently re-discovered this gold mine of inefficiency when I spent several hours trying to get them to not block my pirate crew ad. If you’re bored out of your mind, try entertaining yourself by browsing through the free crap people are trying to give away or by clicking through soul-seekers who post solicitations for love in the personals section. That being said, I think you deserve a fair warning. Any ad that has a picture attached is probably a link you do not want to click on. There is a high probability that the picture will be of some gross lonely guys dick. Lets just say I learned that the hard way. Nonetheless, there is something inherently entertaining about lonely people’s pleas for love. Maybe I’m a jerk, but I think its hilarious that the world has come to this.

Best Game Ever!

Best Game Ever!

Play the octopus game

If steps 1-5 fail to keep you entertained, you can always occupy yourself with useless flash games such as the one I made. Its an awesome game where you are a fish that drinks coffee and runs away from a hungry octopus. You can read more about it here or play it at http://www.theoctopusgame.com

And, if your still bored, you could do what I did, and start your own useless blog where you write about useless stuff like wasting time on the internet. Trust me, its loads of fun. Until next time, happy clicking!

bability t

Today I lurnd about Burritos

Sep 26

Posted by Andy in Food | 2 Comments

This is a proper burrito. Fair sized, warm, and not being smothered in sauce are just a few of its noble characteristics.

This is a proper burrito. Fair sized, warm, and not being smothered in sauce are just a few of its noble characteristics.

I must confess that I have, at times, considered myself a student of philosophy. Undoubtedly, the most interesting of the big questions is the biggest question, that is, what are the chances that this God dude exists. Up until this morning, it is true, I had my doubts. But, today I came upon a great epiphany and am now prepared to show that God does indeed exist.

The reason that we can be sure that God exists is simply that Burritos exist.Think about it. How could something of such divine taste ever come into existence in the absence of a divine being? As I site here typing, it is becoming more and more clear. I feel the divine presence in me. I can still feel the dust of flour on my fingers which so recently held a steaming warm tortilla. The smell of cheese melting into freshly cooked potatoes and eggs still permeates the air. A spicy tinge of hot sauce still lingers on my tongue. My headache, caused by an absent minded decision to mix red wine, malt liquor, and three different types of beer, has finally seemed to vanish, a testimony to the miraculous healing power which all burritos possess.

Indeed, Burritos saved my soul this weekend, just as they have in weekends past and just as they will continue to do until I find myself stationed somewhere other than Southern California. But, one cannot help but ask, what are these divine beings which we call Burritos? Where did they come from? From where, exactly, are their hangover curing properties derived? Yes, the Burrito is a mysterious being, and science will never have all the answers. But, we do know this much:

Burritos are a member of the Mexican food family. The name is a Spanish word. It literally means “little donkey” (Burro = Donkey, -ito is a diminutive meaning small or little)

It is a bit of a curious phenomenon though. Burritos are undoubtedly Mexican food. They are purchased most commonly in Mexicanesque  taco shops. But, a short trip south of the border will reveal, at least it did in my experience, that burritos in Tijuana are few and far between. You are much more likely to run into tacos, which possess divine properties all their own, but I will spare you of that discussion.

So, I got to thinking, where did these Burritos come from? A quick query to my question quencher, Wikipedia, revealed a nice little folk story which answered everything I had ever wanted to know about the little donkeys. Here is my Rendition:

It all started during the mexican revolution, in a border town called Juárez. Here, a brilliant man by the name of Juan Mendez found himself in a bit of a bind. He was in the food business, but was confronted with an unfortunate puzzle. Mr. Mendez would cook some food, strap it onto his donkey, and sell it from his four legged taco stand. The problem though, was that after wondering around selling his food for a few hours, the food got cold and no longer possessed its appetizing qualities. Mr. Mendez found that this problem could be solved by simply wrapping his delicious treats into big flour tortillas which would trap the heat and keep his products warm and tasty all day long. His entrepreneur intellect proved a success, his food became popular with the townsfolk, and it gained a reputation as ‘comida del burrito,’ literally, food of the little donkey. In time, the name got shortened, and we were left with the greatest invention since the printing press, the burrito.

In this beautiful and holy city, the burrito was born.

In this beautiful and holy city, the burrito was born.

Traditional burritos, I’ve been told, were small and thin, and usually contained only one or two ingredients. Luckily, the Americans got a hold of these things and fixed them up a bit. For one, we made them bigger. We didn’t limit ourselves to one or two ingredients, and began stuffing them with all sorts of delicious stuff, like potatoes, eggs, and guacamole. With these minor modifications, the Burritos I know and love were born.

Now, me and countless other San Diegan residents are so blessed that at any time of the day, we can hop in the car, drive to a taco shop, and stuff our mouths full of giant, steamy, greasy mountains of goodness, which will bring unmeasurable quantities of delight, all for the low cost of a few bucks and an excessive boost in cholesterol.

But, this brings me to a little pet peeve of mine, that is, people who ruin burritos. Its not a difficult science, but nonetheless, people continue to think that their modifications will improve the greatest thing ever to grace this earth with its presence. Im going to lay out a few rules about how, in my opinion, burritos ought to be.

First off, they should never be any narrower than your wrist. The point of a burrito is to stuff as much delicious stuff as possible into one tortilla. There is no good reason to limit yourself by making burritos out of tea saucer sized tortillas. A good burrito should be approximately the size of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s biggest forearm. End of Story.

Second, they should never be frozen. This is just sacrilegious. What good reason could there possibly be for freezing a steaming stack of goodness? If you have left over burritos, do the world a favor and feed them to hungry people while they are still warm. I understand the temptation to bring burritos to the parts of the world which don’t have them, but please resist. A bag of frozen Burritos from costco will do nothing more than disappoint a hungry burrito lover, possibly emotionally scarring them so they will never truly enjoy a burrito again.

These burritos, served at McDonalds, can be recognized as imposters due to their small size and frail appearance.

These burritos, served at McDonalds, can be recognized as imposters due to their small size and frail appearance.

Third, a burrito should never be eaten with a fork or knife. Burritos have undergone a complex engineering process to result in a food that fits perfectly in your hands. This makes it so that while a Burrito is being eaten, the Burrito and the culinary connoisseur eating it can become one. A properly held Burrito feels like an extension of your soul. This religious experience of being one with your food can not be attained by traditional means of kitchen utensils.

Fourth, a burrito should never be laid on its side and smothered with anything, including enchilada sauce. Not only does this force you to use utensils, thereby violating rule number three, but it also violates the entire concept of a burrito. Burritos are meant to be containers which are filled with good stuff. Putting food outside of the container is just messy, unnecessary, and unorthodox. Just as you don’t store left over food on the lid of a Tupperware container, neither should you disgrace a burrito by laying it down and pouring stuff on it. This is not to be confused with pouring hot sauce on individual bites of your burrito, which is an acceptable and even recommended method of consumption.

Fifth and finally, you should not try to put too much healthy stuff inside a burrito. While Burritos do possess magical hangover curing properties, they are not to be confused with health food. This does not mean that you cannot put vegetables in there for added taste, it only means that health should take a back seat in this instance. Burritos are commonly eaten at 4 in the morning in some kind of drunken stupor, or at 10 in the morning to get rid of the lingering alcohol taste accrued the night before. Trying to make them healthy will only result in an unsatisfied customer. There is a time and a place for everything, but the inside of a burrito will never be a place for healthy stuff.

If these rules are followed religiously, I can assure you will lead a blessed life. It would not be fair to finish this discussion without mentioning the addictive nature of Burritos. Burrito addiction can be an ugly thing. Therefore, one should always consume burritos responsibly. You wouldn’t want to die of a heart attack at 30, mostly because that would cheat you out of a good 40 years of Burrito consumption. Eating Burritos in moderation, in combination with exercise and a balanced diet, can open up a whole new world of goodness. But please, use your discretion wisely. Until next time, happy eating.

Today, i lurnd about obama’s czars

Sep 12

Posted by Andy in Politics | No Comments

This guy created the position "faith czar"

This guy created the position "faith czar"

I want to begin with an apology. This post is way to long. You might want to stop reading now. Also, I am sorry to post about politics so quickly. But, all this fox news ranting about Obama’s mighty “czars” is really beginning to annoy me. I prefer writing about food and vikings and pirates and stuff, but I really want to set the record straight with this czar nonsense. Here we go:

First off, according to my one stop knowledge shop, wikipedia, President George W. Bush appointed 35 czars over his career, and Obama has only appointed 31. To be fair, Obama has been in there for a short period of time, and will likely beat Bush’s record, but its not as if Obama started this game. Before bush the highest number of czars was 12. Where were you, fox news, with your rants about big government, when Bush began this trend of appointing Czars?

I think I know. The czars which bush appointed were ones you liked. You don’t like Obama’s czars. Lets take a look at Bush’s noble appointees:

180px-Tobias_randall_l

This jerk was the all-mighty abstinence czar

Would you believe this? Bush appointed an “Abstinence Czar.” There was actually a guy working for the Whitehouse, who was responsible for curbing the global aids outbreak, and his chief weapon was the “A-B-C” method. First off, we aren’t in kindergarten. Secondly, are you f***ing serious? For those of you not familiar with your A-B-C’s, it stands for Abstinence, Being Faithful, and Correct and Consistent Condom Usage. His genious plan is don’t have sex. If it were that simple we wouldn’t need a czar. Then he says once your in a committed relationship, you can have sex but don’t cheat. Finally, if you’re forced into having sex outside of a committed relationship, consistently and correctly use a condom. This guy seriously needs his head examined. If you’re forced into sex what are the odds you stopped by the liquor store, grabbed some rubbers, and then convinced your rapist to put them on. Get real dude.

And, as if it isn’t surprising, this married man was forced to resign after he got caught screwing hookers. Think he consistently and correctly used a condom during these escapades? I doubt it. So much for this czar.

And the next outrageous Bush czar is: Bird Flu Czar!

Okay, so this guy isn’t so outrageous, I just really like the name they gave him on wikipedia. Anyways, it would be pretty tough to beat out the abstinence czar in the realm of outrageousness. Bird Flu Czar was accused by some of being unqualified but the accusations didn’t hold up well. He was pretty qualified. I didn’t get the bird flu. Really though, I think this animal flu stuff is more of a scare tactic and I’m glad Obama has no Pig Flu Czar (yet).

Next Bush-era czar is: Faith Czar!

This guy isn’t super bad but he did co-author a school text book which was widely circulated and claimed that:

Global Warming is not real, it is merely a product of activist scientists (scientists agree it is real).

Praying in school was outlawed by the Supreme Court (it never was).

The constitution was crafted around the Christian idea of original sin (it is clearly a secular document).

Additionally, the whole idea for a faith czar is dumb. We don’t need one. This is supposed to be a secular government. I’m quite disappointed that Obama kept this position.

Anyways, that’s enough about Bush’s czars. He has many more but the rest are less controversial and I’m tired of researching them. Lets check out some of Obama’s recent appointments:

The first one I looked into is Obama’s “WMD czar.” This position was called for by at least four separate commissions, all of which (I think, don’t quote me) were bush era. Bush clearly didn’t want to appoint another czar so he opted for a troop surge and must have figured they could handle the WMD’s (I guess it worked, since there were none to be found in iraq). So, Obama appointed a WMD czar, who was said to be qualified by a fox news article. Now, I’m not too big on this whole war on terror, but it does seem logical to have a dude who’s job is to make sure ‘terrorists’* are not getting their hands on WMD’s.

*SIDE NOTE: I quote 'terrorists' because its a silly rhetorical term. Anyone who uses fear to make you do something you don't want to do is technically a terrorist. This includes all police officers and all soldiers.

Terrorist or dutiful public servant?

Next Obama Czar: Regulation Czar: This guy seems drastically needed. His job is to regulate recipients of bailout cash. The biggest problem with the bailouts is that CEO’s use it for private jets and vacations while the common worker is still getting screwed. The government actually needs more people doing this job. I don’t care if you call them czar or king or chief. Just don’t let those corporate assholes drink margaritas in the Caribbean with my tax money.

Adding to the list – Obama appointed a tech czar. Being that Obama is likely the first president capable of using the internet, this is a fitting thing to do. The government is way behind on this one. By now, any organization with a drive for efficiency has fully embraced the technological revolution. If the government is ever going to effectively serve its people, this is something that needed to be done. I hope she will embrace the internet to offer transparency, efficiency, and open communication with constituents. Good move.

Next, we have the middle east peace czar, which seems like a good idea to me. Finally we have someone who is trying to resolve our conflicts with negotiations rather than explosions. It seems like this kind of approach might improve our image a bit overseas. Additionally, other than being  a big corporate hot-shot for Xerox, Walt Disney, and the Boston Red Sox, this czar has a pretty decent track record, and played a large roll in ending the local violence in Northern Ireland through a treaty.

Next Czar: Guantanamo Closure Czar. This is something that the president promised to do, really ought to do, and is trying to do by appointing this czar. I don’t see anything wrong with making one guy responsible for getting this task done. It needs to be done, appoint a czar if you like, end of story.

Moving on – and heres the big one – Obama appointed Anthony Van Jones to the position the media would go on to call the “Green Jobs Czar.” This really pissed off fox news, and is another position I think is important. We are currently destroying this little planet of ours, and Van Jones had a plan to go green the American way – with good old fashioned capitalism. I say had, because, as you probably know, Glenn Beck and all the good folks over at fox news stirred up enough controversy that this old chap was forced to resign.

What was wrong with him, you may ask? Was he not qualified? Lets check it out:

This guy really isn't as bad as they make him seem

This guy really isn't as bad as they make him seem

According to the infallible source wikipedia, Jones has been both dedicated to and honored for his position regarding the environment. He began promoting eco-capitalism in 2005, started a “Green Collar Jobs Campaign,” and created Green For All, an NGO dedicated to providing environmentally friendly jobs to poor people. Additionally, he served on the board for at least 6  nonprofit and/or environmental organizations.

Then, in October of 2008, he published his first book, titled The Green Collar Economy, which supposedly laid out plans for fixing our economy and the environment. Sounds like a good idea to me. Despite having little resources for marketing, the book reached #12 on the New York Times bestseller list.

Clearly, he was overly qualified for a position as “Green Jobs Czar.” Why then was he forced into resignation? Two reasons. First, he was a communist. Second, Glenn Beck.

Personally, communism is not my cup of tea. I’m a fan of Karl Marx, and much of his writing I consider brilliant, but the economic system he invented, while good natured, always fails because there is absolutely no incentive for humans to get off their asses and work. This shouldn’t be news to anyone.

Communism is definitely not Glenn Beck’s cup of tea. In fact he completely despises anyone associated with it, and probably does not understand it. I doubt he’s read much Marx in his life. I actually doubt he’s read much of anything in his life.

Anyways, Glenn Beck essentially got Jones fired after the following information was exposed:

  1. Jones supported Mumia Abu-Jamal. We won’t get into this, but lets just say it’s not something a presidential appointee should be supporting.
  2. Jones signed a 9/11 truth petition. I have no problem with this. I think that every official story should always be questioned, regardless of the administration or the emotional strings attached. The official story is fishy, check it out for yourself, demanding answers is not a bad thing.
  3. Jones was caught giving a speech at Berkley where he said that Congressional Republicans were assholes. This is true. They are. So are most of the democrats. This shouldn’t be big news to anyone.
  4. Jones has a past of being involved with a radical Marxist group called STORM which is not much different than any other radical group. They are basically communists who have some quite legitimate social concerns.

Now, you might think this is good reason to get Jones fired. I don’t agree. Here’s what I’m thinking:

Jones was appointed to make sure companies are taking a turn towards environmentally friendly products and policies. He is probably the best qualified person in the country to do this, and I don’t think his radical ties have any impact on his ability to do this job.

If, on the other hand, Jones was appointed “Chief of Economic Policy” or something similar, you can bet I would protest his appointment. But, he was not. He was appointed to help businesses be environmentally friendly. He is dedicated to that cause, and I think he is the best person to do it.

Additionally, while I do not support his communist endeavors, I understand how he got to that point. Our country really has a long way to go to fix the institutionalized racism which is unfortunately ingrained into our system. Jones was illegally arrested at a Rodney King protest. He witnessed (as I have) rich white kids doing drugs semi-publicly with little to no consequences while urban and poor black kids were sent to jail for doing the same thing. This is a real problem, not some radical conspiracy. It is understandable that when a system treats you and your peers unjustly, a basic human response is feelings of anger, distrust, and rebellion.

Jones also founded PoliceWatch, an internet database for keeping track of all reported police brutality. I think that police brutality is too common and under-reported. Also, when reported it is under prosecuted. Starting this database was a heroic and democratic way of returning the power to the people and he should be honored for these actions.

Anyways, back to the original topic. Obama’s Czars are not all that bad. They are way better than Bush’s and most of them are doing important jobs. By assigning people to the many jobs which need to get done, the obama administration is demonstrating their willingness to execute some of their campaign rhetoric and make progressive changes now. Although I still think the administration is not doing the best job, can we please quit ranting about these czars and focus on Obama’s actual mistakes? Hasta Luego Otra Vez,
-andy

P.S. to view some completely absent minded entertainment, check this out.

Today, i lurnd about Vikings.

Sep 3

Posted by Andy in Vikings | No Comments

So its not an accurate depiction, but it is cool

So its not an accurate depiction, but it is cool

I’ve always thought that vikings were awesome, but I never really knew much about them. I figured they were some rugged old guys who used to do some scary stuff, like raid villages, grab some plunder, then head back to camp to drink alcohol and slur some unsophisticated game towards the viking women. Well, this image wasn’t exactly spot on, and several things about the vikings actually surprised me quite a bit. Check it out:

First off. Christopher Columbus (why does he have a holiday) did not discover North America. Sorry folks, but your third grade teacher owes you an apology. The Vikings actually discovered it 500 years earlier. You would think they would get more credit. I propose that we take away Christopher Columbus day and give it to the Vikings. They are way more awesome, and I’m sure they slaughtered fewer natives.

Secondly, the vikings did not have any of those funny little hats with the horns sticking out. That’s just show business. I mean, really. Would you expect some grungy ass bearded Viking to tromp around like he’s in some animal look-alike fashion show (they actually had a reputation for being clean, but its more fun to imagine them as grungy buff guys). They had way better stuff to do with their time than worry about some little horns poking out of their helmet, such as making cutting edge boats and robbing Christians. Which brings us to our next two points.

Viking Boat

I wish I had this boat

The Vikings built some awesome boats. Although they didn’t wear horns, they would carve a wooden dragon head into the front of their boats, which were quite advanced little vessels. The boats were big enough to carry up to 180 people, which was unprecedented for the time. Imagine 180 big old bearded vikings headed towards your town, each armed with some scary looking weapons and all aboard a giant dragon boat. Now thats pretty scary.

And who would the Vikings go after? Well, they weren’t a bunch of stupid cavemen. They quickly realized that Europeans would take all sorts of valuable stuff and stick it into Monastaries, and instead of protecting it with an army, they would rely on God to protect it for them. Well, you can guess how well that worked. God must have been sleeping on the job or something, cause the vikings were basically able to march right in, grab some loot, and head back to camp.

Speaking of god, the vikings had pretty awesome Gods. Just to get an idea of their gnarlyness, their God of all Gods, Odin, had three wives, and in his spare time he would take on human form, walk around with the mortals, and seduce and impregnate as many women as he could. And you thought the old testament was gnarly?

Another crazy God of theirs was Freya. This girl was goddess of Sex, War, and Death. I wonder what she had to do to get that job… Anyways, after her husband left her she spent some time mourning, and the rest looking for a good lay. Thats one girl I wouldn’t want to upset.

And those are just a couple of the most gnarly ones. They also had Thor, who would strike you down with a hammer whenever he pleased. Idun, a goddess of youth. Freya’s brother, Frey, a God of fertility. And of course they had Hel, God of the dead.

Now that’s a lineup of Gods worth worshiping. I don’t want to be offensive, but C’mon Christians, Muslims, and Jews. Step it up a bit. One God is just way to boring. Take a few lessons on creativity from the vikings.

Way cooler than the Roman Empire

Way cooler than the Roman Empire

And, finally, today I lurnd that the Vikings, along with all this wine, blood, and sex, were pretty sophisticated humans. I already mentioned their sophisticated taste for wine. In fact, the reason they discovered North America was because they wanted to find grapes for wine. And, would you believe me if I said the Vikings valued poets as much as warriors? While half the crew is off raiding Monasteries and discovering continents, the intellectuals are back at home sipping their merlot, reciting poetry, and passing on their heritage through the oral tradition. Those Vikings are impressive little buggers.

So, you might not believe any of what I’ve said. It’s probably smart not to. But, if you’re curious, I lurnd this stuff from two different places. One was an awesome documentary from Hulu. I encourage checking out all the documentaries there. You can lurn stuff too! Also, the God stuff came from this site. Hasta Luego.

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