This is how we play Soccer
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That’s right England, I’m talking to you. You must be aware by now that the greatest country on the planet (probably the greatest country in the universe) was fortunate enough to be matched up against you folks in this little thing called the world cup.
Now, I’ll be the first to confess that the good ol’ U.S.A. is not well known for our sensational soccer skills. But, there is one thing we’ve gotten pretty good at over the years, that is: kicking red-coat ass.
That’s right. It might have seemed that we were all buddy-buddy when we pillaged Iraq and Afganistan together, but if you thought that little bit of bush-era brown nosin’ was gonna make us forget about the Tea Act of 1773, think again.
So, in light of our prospective June 12th match up, I’ve got 3.5 words for you old limeys: It’s Called Soccer.
Now, I know there are a bunch of liberal scientists and elitist historians out there who might be saying things like “England spoke English first.” Well, I’ve got two things to say about that.
First, It’s not true. Check the facts. The United States was speaking English long before all those Englishmen came marching around with their guns and claiming the language for themselves.
Secondly, even if it were true, we don’t care. Here in America, we don’t listen to those loonies up in their Ivory Tower. Instead, we have democracy, something you Europeans wouldn’t know much about. Last I checked, the U.S.A. had way more people than England and all of its little islands. According to the rules of democracy, we win. It’s Called Soccer.
This is what football looks like
Here in America, when we play football, we get to use hands and feet. Do you know why that is? Because we live in the land of the free. We don’t have some queen sitting up on her throne telling us which limbs we can or cannot use when we play football.
That’s right, we love football and freedom, and we’re so damn free we just combined the two. How does that make you feel?
Now, as if our unique qualities of freedom and democracy were not enough to assure victory, we’ve got another secret weapon up our sleeve. It’s called capitalism. Thanks to capitalism, Americans are well acquainted with competition. Not only have our people improved thanks to capitalist competition, but so has our water.
That’s right. While your sophisticated European government was busy making all these regulations on industry, food, and water, our free-market water was over here competing in true American fashion. The end result? The water we give our athletes boils at 212 degrees, while your socialist water boils at a mere 100 degrees. If your water can’t stand the heat, get it out of our free-market kitchen.
Now, the academics out there are probably saying “But 100 degrees is easier to remember than 212. It makes more sense.”
You guys would say that. Let me tell you something about America. We are not interested in the easy way out. We don’t need some socialist government to feed us from a spoon.
America. Fuck yea.
In our great country, we appreciate a little bit of hard work, and true patriots don’t mind putting in a little extra studying in the memorization department if it means stronger water for our country. So take your socialist water and pass it out to your lazy citizens. We will work for our water, and our water will continue to be the best no matter what the elitist professors say.
So then, you old bunch of Brits, I’ve got an offer to extend. I’m not usually a fan of this liberal peace making negotiation business, but I’m so confident in my country that I’m willing to bend the rules. Here is the offer:
If you and your bunch of lime-eating, socialist water drinking soccer players are, for some reason, able to beat us on June 12th, we will stop saying soccer and instead call it “European Football.”
But, on the other hand, if God continues to side with us and we beat you guys back to the blarney stone, you (and the commonwealth) must admit that football is a man’s sport played with pads and helmets and that the sport you guys have been calling football is not football at all. It’s Called Soccer.
Accept this offer and we can end this dispute once and for all.