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This is a proper burrito. Fair sized, warm, and not being smothered in sauce are just a few of its noble characteristics.

I must confess that I have, at times, considered myself a student of philosophy. Undoubtedly, the most interesting of the big questions is the biggest question, that is, what are the chances that this God dude exists. Up until this morning, it is true, I had my doubts. But, today I came upon a great epiphany and am now prepared to show that God does indeed exist.

The reason that we can be sure that God exists is simply that Burritos exist.Think about it. How could something of such divine taste ever come into existence in the absence of a divine being? As I site here typing, it is becoming more and more clear. I feel the divine presence in me. I can still feel the dust of flour on my fingers which so recently held a steaming warm tortilla. The smell of cheese melting into freshly cooked potatoes and eggs still permeates the air. A spicy tinge of hot sauce still lingers on my tongue. My headache, caused by an absent minded decision to mix red wine, malt liquor, and three different types of beer, has finally seemed to vanish, a testimony to the miraculous healing power which all burritos possess.

Indeed, Burritos saved my soul this weekend, just as they have in weekends past and just as they will continue to do until I find myself stationed somewhere other than Southern California. But, one cannot help but ask, what are these divine beings which we call Burritos? Where did they come from? From where, exactly, are their hangover curing properties derived? Yes, the Burrito is a mysterious being, and science will never have all the answers. But, we do know this much:

Burritos are a member of the Mexican food family. The name is a Spanish word. It literally means “little donkey” (Burro = Donkey, -ito is a diminutive meaning small or little)

It is a bit of a curious phenomenon though. Burritos are undoubtedly Mexican food. They are purchased most commonly in Mexicanesque  taco shops. But, a short trip south of the border will reveal, at least it did in my experience, that burritos in Tijuana are few and far between. You are much more likely to run into tacos, which possess divine properties all their own, but I will spare you of that discussion.

So, I got to thinking, where did these Burritos come from? A quick query to my question quencher, Wikipedia, revealed a nice little folk story which answered everything I had ever wanted to know about the little donkeys. Here is my Rendition:

It all started during the mexican revolution, in a border town called Juárez. Here, a brilliant man by the name of Juan Mendez found himself in a bit of a bind. He was in the food business, but was confronted with an unfortunate puzzle. Mr. Mendez would cook some food, strap it onto his donkey, and sell it from his four legged taco stand. The problem though, was that after wondering around selling his food for a few hours, the food got cold and no longer possessed its appetizing qualities. Mr. Mendez found that this problem could be solved by simply wrapping his delicious treats into big flour tortillas which would trap the heat and keep his products warm and tasty all day long. His entrepreneur intellect proved a success, his food became popular with the townsfolk, and it gained a reputation as ‘comida del burrito,’ literally, food of the little donkey. In time, the name got shortened, and we were left with the greatest invention since the printing press, the burrito.

In this beautiful and holy city, the burrito was born.

Traditional burritos, I’ve been told, were small and thin, and usually contained only one or two ingredients. Luckily, the Americans got a hold of these things and fixed them up a bit. For one, we made them bigger. We didn’t limit ourselves to one or two ingredients, and began stuffing them with all sorts of delicious stuff, like potatoes, eggs, and guacamole. With these minor modifications, the Burritos I know and love were born.

Now, me and countless other San Diegan residents are so blessed that at any time of the day, we can hop in the car, drive to a taco shop, and stuff our mouths full of giant, steamy, greasy mountains of goodness, which will bring unmeasurable quantities of delight, all for the low cost of a few bucks and an excessive boost in cholesterol.

But, this brings me to a little pet peeve of mine, that is, people who ruin burritos. Its not a difficult science, but nonetheless, people continue to think that their modifications will improve the greatest thing ever to grace this earth with its presence. Im going to lay out a few rules about how, in my opinion, burritos ought to be.

First off, they should never be any narrower than your wrist. The point of a burrito is to stuff as much delicious stuff as possible into one tortilla. There is no good reason to limit yourself by making burritos out of tea saucer sized tortillas. A good burrito should be approximately the size of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s biggest forearm. End of Story.

Second, they should never be frozen. This is just sacrilegious. What good reason could there possibly be for freezing a steaming stack of goodness? If you have left over burritos, do the world a favor and feed them to hungry people while they are still warm. I understand the temptation to bring burritos to the parts of the world which don’t have them, but please resist. A bag of frozen Burritos from costco will do nothing more than disappoint a hungry burrito lover, possibly emotionally scarring them so they will never truly enjoy a burrito again.

These burritos, served at McDonalds, can be recognized as imposters due to their small size and frail appearance.

Third, a burrito should never be eaten with a fork or knife. Burritos have undergone a complex engineering process to result in a food that fits perfectly in your hands. This makes it so that while a Burrito is being eaten, the Burrito and the culinary connoisseur eating it can become one. A properly held Burrito feels like an extension of your soul. This religious experience of being one with your food can not be attained by traditional means of kitchen utensils.

Fourth, a burrito should never be laid on its side and smothered with anything, including enchilada sauce. Not only does this force you to use utensils, thereby violating rule number three, but it also violates the entire concept of a burrito. Burritos are meant to be containers which are filled with good stuff. Putting food outside of the container is just messy, unnecessary, and unorthodox. Just as you don’t store left over food on the lid of a Tupperware container, neither should you disgrace a burrito by laying it down and pouring stuff on it. This is not to be confused with pouring hot sauce on individual bites of your burrito, which is an acceptable and even recommended method of consumption.

Fifth and finally, you should not try to put too much healthy stuff inside a burrito. While Burritos do possess magical hangover curing properties, they are not to be confused with health food. This does not mean that you cannot put vegetables in there for added taste, it only means that health should take a back seat in this instance. Burritos are commonly eaten at 4 in the morning in some kind of drunken stupor, or at 10 in the morning to get rid of the lingering alcohol taste accrued the night before. Trying to make them healthy will only result in an unsatisfied customer. There is a time and a place for everything, but the inside of a burrito will never be a place for healthy stuff.

If these rules are followed religiously, I can assure you will lead a blessed life. It would not be fair to finish this discussion without mentioning the addictive nature of Burritos. Burrito addiction can be an ugly thing. Therefore, one should always consume burritos responsibly. You wouldn’t want to die of a heart attack at 30, mostly because that would cheat you out of a good 40 years of Burrito consumption. Eating Burritos in moderation, in combination with exercise and a balanced diet, can open up a whole new world of goodness. But please, use your discretion wisely. Until next time, happy eating.